Welcome Back Rodney

It has been awhile since I made a entry to my blog. My reason for that is, I needed to be "Present" in my life to navigate myself through a very difficult break- up. "HE" has been the opportunity "God" has put in my life put in my life to inspire me to change. What has been revealed to me from my clarity is that, it is neither Good or Bad that our relationship has ended it just "Is". My ex and I have very different views on what has gotten us to this point. I am clear that by simply telling myself the absolute truth as I understand it, coupled with the tangible evidence that supports that truth it's conclusive that I ended this relationship because "It was over". My ex and I had so many good things that I had convinced myself "could" and "would" keep us together. Then when I began to focus less on the illusion of my relationship and more on the palpable periods of unhappiness, I woke up one morning with the courage to face the fact that the things that once worked; no longer does. More and more my relationship became burden filled, showered with resentments, that left puddles of anger, uncontollable contempt, and a spiraling doom that weighed heavy on my spirit. I was locked into a destructive holding pattern, that was damaging to my self-worth and speeding towards being dangerous to my ex lovers well being as well. But still leaving isn't easy.

You see "I love him", I just love me more. The fear of leaving became less paralyzing and more freeing as I began to tell the truth. There are definately things that I am not proud of and could of balanced better around this break up. It was difficult for me to detach with love, I had to pull out the "Ax and pry myself loose" in order to get on this path. Still today setting boundaries that help me to be safe and sane are challenging , however my spirit is healing inspite of what my ex-lover thinks about me. I am not a "Victom". I posses the ability to accept responsibility, and I will get a chance to make Direct or In-direct ammends for my actions. Right now my choice of weapon to use on myself is no longer a base ball bat, but a feather , a gentle hug and a kindred spirits.
As I welcome Rodney back "I choose" not to focus on my ex-partner's Defects and Shortcomings but only on the one thing I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE........ME.
I have had many failed relationships in my life, each one has lifted me closer to the nurturing attributes I have as well as the harmful patterns that are responsible for the spontanious sex-filled encounters that I turn into a loving relationships. This relationship has highlighted my ability to Love Unconditionally. Self Centerdness did not rule my 4 years of discovery with my Ex. Caring , sharing and supporting my man was priority. It still is Ironically, it's just not at the expense of my own happiness.

I thank "God" for placing my Ex-lover in my path. He has helped me see that; at some point in life you have to take responsibility for your world and change your perception as you align your "ideal" reality with the true events that occur when you"live life on lifes terms".

Now that your back Rodney. What do you do to make this relationship live up to the call on your life to change?
First and foremost Rodney you must take the time to learn how to love you! Take time to get to know you. Stop confusing Instant gratification of "sex" as love and Initmacy. Get to know yourself and some love interest without playing catch up after you have had sex.
Concentrate on your relationship with you and God and the people who love you, hold you and assist in putting you back together. Rodney stop acting out of Desperation and the need to be Validated and emerge from this relationship victorious and free at last.